Today is Good Friday. Good Friday is the Friday before Easter. It commemorates the crucifixion and death of Jesus at Calvary.
Four years ago, I had a miscarriage, and on Good Friday I underwent D&C – Dilation and Curettage. The fetus was about 8 to 10 weeks old, and it was not healthy.
It was a painful experience – not physically but emotionally and spiritually. I have penned down some of my thoughts during that time, and would like to share some of them here. May the Lord’s Name be glorified through this sharing.
18 April 2003 (Good Friday)
Arrived at Damansara Specialist Hospital (DSH)
Accompanied by Seng Chor and Uncle Chris.
7:30 am - Admitted.
7:45 am - Taken to Day Ward (Felt no fear)
8:45 am to about 9:15 am - in Operation Theatre
[What happens during the D&C? First I was given a general anesthetic by an anesthetist. The gynaecologist opens (dilates) the cervix with instruments called dilators, and then inserts a hollow tube through the cervix. Suction is applied to remove the retained tissue – ie. curettage.]
Woke up at about 9:30 am
Rested before leaving DSH at 10:45 am
Aunty Luan prepared lunch – porridge with fish
Dolly dropped by – prepared red dates, black dates and Tong Kuai drink, prayed for me
Evening - Romayne came to visit.
Sue prepared dinner – broccoli, fish and chicken cooked with sesame oil and ginger
Night – Felt a sense of loss.
19 April 2003 (Saturday)
Felt a sense of loss.
A lot of thoughts flooded my mind.
- tendency to blame myself
- questions – why? why? why?
- remembered Yoke Lai’s email – God’s will
Because God loves me, he knows what’s best for me.
I may have lost a child but I have gained much support from brothers and sisters in Christ. Nothing can take away that love.
“Lord, You are good and Your mercy forever endures”. This song was with me for the past few days. God led me to this song during the worship last Sunday (13 April 2003).
God in His love, goodness and mercy has prepared me even two weeks ago when the heartbeat of the fetus was not detected. He gave me peace.
Afternoon, couldn’t sleep – grieved
- Shared with Seng Chor
- Watched ‘Sound of Music’ VCD
Mr & Mrs Yip, John and Wan Yi came.
Later, Helen, Sebastian, Susan, Jean, Soon Seng and Yoke Kheng came as well.
Shared with them.
Susan prayed for me – felt comforted.
Slept well at night.
20 April 2003 (Easter Sunday)
Growth Group came after worship service.
(Nai Kyn, Yoke Teen, Selvi, Roy, Wing Cheong, Sue, Michelle, Rachelle, Ming Yue and Ming Han)
- Shared with them my grief.
Roy shared how he felt when Selvi told him the news. He grieved with me.
All prayed for me and Seng Chor.
Prayers that I could remember:
Ming Yue – take away troubles/disturbances
Selvi – God will not withhold something that is good for me. Psalm 34.
Wing Cheong – Reminder – God ‘lost’ His one and only Son, Jesus, too. He knows how I feel.
Nai Kyn – To ‘experience’ God, to really know God. (Not just head knowledge.)
Songs that we sang:
Bind us together, Lord
Jesus, Lamb of God
Lord, You are good.
It’s ok to grieve to cry out before God. I’m not angry with God. I know that God has His purpose but I need to know more than that. To truly experience His comfort, His presence. I have asked this question before – “What is it that you want me to know about You, Lord through this experience?”
Have I found it?
“Lord, You are good and Your mercy forever endures.”
Night: Felt sense of joy within.
21 April 2003 (Monday)
Sms to Selvi – God is teaching me to rejoice in Him.
From Selvi – continue to let God have His way in me.
22 April 2003 (Tuesday)
When God opens the window of Heaven,
He asked, “What is your wish for today?”
I said, “God, please take good care of the person who is reading this message.”
(From Soo Fun)
23 April 2003 (Wednesday)
From Selvi – Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
Night: Felt terrible – wept.
24 April 2003 (Thursday)
Still feeling sad.
“At times I could not see You
Even though You were close by”
Lord, somehow I feel that You are far away. Why?
Help me know You are near.
25 April 2003 (Friday)
From Selvi – May the joy of the Lord be your strength.
Draw me close to You
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear You say that I’m Your friend
You are my desire
No one else will do
Cause nothing else can take Your place
To feel the warmth of Your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to You
You’re all I want
You’re all I’ve ever needed
You’re all I want
Help me know You are near.
From Yoke Kheng:
A woman of real beauty smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress and grows brave by reflection and prayers. Send this to a beautiful woman…I just did – you.
27 April 2003 (Saturday)
For He knows how we were made; He remembers that we are dust.
As for mortals, their days are like grass; they flourish like a flower of the field;
For the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more.
But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children’s children.
To those who keep His covenant and remember to do His commandments.
Life is brief – live is to the fullest.
28 April 2003 (Monday)
From Mama –
Have a pleasant afternoon,
Be cheerful all the way
God bless you always.
That was what happened 4 years ago – I lost a child on Good Friday. Two years after that, around the same time, I was conceived with Jordan. God’s timing is always perfect, always the best. When I conceived the first time, I was just starting my PhD research. It would have been much tougher for me – babysitting and doing my research at the same time. Jordan came at the perfect timing – after the completion of my research. It was like a gift/reward for my PhD.
There are a lot of things in life that we don’t understand. Many times, we don’t need to have a full understanding or knowledge in the experience that we go through. The important thing is to remain faithful in the Almighty One who knows what’s best for us. Let God be God.
Isaiah 55:9 (NIV)
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Daniel 2:20 (NIV)
and said: "Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever; wisdom and power are his.