Tuesday, March 31, 2009

How are you?

One month has passed since we laid her to rest…it’s still tough.

I don’t feel like answering the question most of the time. I know that people when meant well when they asked how I am. But, I just don’t know how to respond to them. I remember replying by saying, “Better.” That’s it. But deep down inside me, I am wounded, hurt and broken. That was the first week. In the second week, my feelings were up and down. So, I replied, “Up and down.” Now, I have a standard answer for all:

Some days are better, some days are bad.

I still cry everyday. There are times that I couldn’t accept and let go. I broke down when Seng Chor dismantled the baby cot last Saturday. Is she really gone? Yes. Must we keep the cot away? Yes. Why can’t we leave it there and wait for her to come back? No, she’s gone. She’s gone. It was so painful.

It did not console me when people say that she’s with God. Nicholas Wolterstorff’s book on Lament for a Son has helped me to articulate my pain. Like him, it did not console me to be reminded of the hope of resurrection. Does it mean that I grieve as one who has no hope? No, I know that I will see her again one day. Yet Jemimah is gone, she was here and now she is gone; now I cannot hold her, now I cannot see her, now I cannot kiss her, now I cannot hug her, now I cannot look into her eyes and say that I love her. That is my grief – my sorrow. The hope does not put Jemimah back in my arms now. What consolation can there be other than having her back now?

Sunday, March 15, 2009

A Letter from My Dad...










Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I grieve because...

I miss her so much.

I love her so much.

Everyday, I ask God to tell her that I love her, and to give her a kiss for me.

It's the neverness that is so painful -

Never again to be here with us.
Never again to carry her.
Never again to hold her.
Never again to kiss her.
Never again to feed her.
Never again to see her smile.
Never again to hear her cry.
Never again to sing to her.
Never again to play with her.
Never again to see Jordan playing with her.
Never to see her first crawl.
Never to see her taking her first step to walk.
Never to hear her calling me, "Mummy".
Never to dress her up.
Never to tie her hair.
Never ...

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Devotional Prayer on 24 Feb 2009

Suffering is a compulsory part of human existence. The difference for believers is that suffering need never be in vain.

Lord, as I consider what You do, I find myself feeling at times like the writer of Ecclesiastes: Who can straighten what You have made crooked? When times are good, I am to be happy. But when times are bad, consider: You have made the one as well as the other (Ecclesiastes 7:13-14).

According to Your Word, Lord there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2, 4).

Truly, You are the Creator and Sustainer of time. Nothing is “untimely” to You.

From Praying God’s Word – Day by Day
A Year of Devotional Prayer
By Beth Moore


Tuesday, 24 February 2009 - It was Jemimah’s appointed time to depart.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

God spared me

It could have happened at home but it didn't. God spared me.

Whenever friends asked about Jemimah, I would say:
  • She is well
  • She is fine
  • She is an angel - just drink and sleep
She was a healthy and beautiful baby. She was a good baby.

What was the cause of her death? It's uncertain. According to the doctors, there were two possibilities - milk aspiration (drowned in her own milk) or S.I.D.S (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) / cot death. They did all they could to revive her that fateful day. They were just pumping out so much milk from her lungs. They resuscitated her for 25 minutes. Jemimah didn't respond at all. She was certified at 6:15 pm.

Perhaps it's best that we do not know the actual cause. It was God's time to take her HOME. There was nothing that we could do - absolutely nothing.

Jemimah arrived with a loud cry but she left us peacefully.

Monday, March 02, 2009

I still can't ...

I still can't believe that she's really gone but I have to believe.

I still can't let go but I have to let go.

I still can't accept it but I have to accept it.

When Seng Chor and I visited her grave last Saturday, 28 February 2009, I wished that someone would have heard her crying, and dug her out. Or, Seng Chor and I would hear her crying. We would dig her out and I could then feed her. I know that these thoughts are crazy. I just can't help myself from thinking about it. I know that she is not in the grave. What's inside is just her mortal body. She is with the Lord Jesus Christ. The angels are taking care of her.

I know that I have to move on. Healing is a process. Grieving is a process. It is natural to feel what I'm feeling. It may takes months or even years but God will heal. The pain is indescribable. There are still so many questions in my mind. There are regrets and guilt as well. Some are answered and addressed but I still look for assurance.

I'll be strong. Sometimes I wish that I'm not that strong. Perhaps I'm not. I'm weak. But God is strong. God's strength is in me to carry on.

I don't want to stop thinking about her. She will always be in our heart.

I am asking God for a vision/dream - to see my precious daughter Jemimah in Heaven, to hear her calling me "Mummy".