I still can't ...

I still can't believe that she's really gone but I have to believe.

I still can't let go but I have to let go.

I still can't accept it but I have to accept it.

When Seng Chor and I visited her grave last Saturday, 28 February 2009, I wished that someone would have heard her crying, and dug her out. Or, Seng Chor and I would hear her crying. We would dig her out and I could then feed her. I know that these thoughts are crazy. I just can't help myself from thinking about it. I know that she is not in the grave. What's inside is just her mortal body. She is with the Lord Jesus Christ. The angels are taking care of her.

I know that I have to move on. Healing is a process. Grieving is a process. It is natural to feel what I'm feeling. It may takes months or even years but God will heal. The pain is indescribable. There are still so many questions in my mind. There are regrets and guilt as well. Some are answered and addressed but I still look for assurance.

I'll be strong. Sometimes I wish that I'm not that strong. Perhaps I'm not. I'm weak. But God is strong. God's strength is in me to carry on.

I don't want to stop thinking about her. She will always be in our heart.

I am asking God for a vision/dream - to see my precious daughter Jemimah in Heaven, to hear her calling me "Mummy".