How are you?

One month has passed since we laid her to rest…it’s still tough.

I don’t feel like answering the question most of the time. I know that people when meant well when they asked how I am. But, I just don’t know how to respond to them. I remember replying by saying, “Better.” That’s it. But deep down inside me, I am wounded, hurt and broken. That was the first week. In the second week, my feelings were up and down. So, I replied, “Up and down.” Now, I have a standard answer for all:

Some days are better, some days are bad.

I still cry everyday. There are times that I couldn’t accept and let go. I broke down when Seng Chor dismantled the baby cot last Saturday. Is she really gone? Yes. Must we keep the cot away? Yes. Why can’t we leave it there and wait for her to come back? No, she’s gone. She’s gone. It was so painful.

It did not console me when people say that she’s with God. Nicholas Wolterstorff’s book on Lament for a Son has helped me to articulate my pain. Like him, it did not console me to be reminded of the hope of resurrection. Does it mean that I grieve as one who has no hope? No, I know that I will see her again one day. Yet Jemimah is gone, she was here and now she is gone; now I cannot hold her, now I cannot see her, now I cannot kiss her, now I cannot hug her, now I cannot look into her eyes and say that I love her. That is my grief – my sorrow. The hope does not put Jemimah back in my arms now. What consolation can there be other than having her back now?

A Letter from My Dad...

愛外孫女善美已在二月二十四日(星期三)傍晚六時左右靜悄悄的離開了我們。她出生只有56天，就這樣的忍心離開了我們。在56這天裡她經過父母、婆婆日夜細心辛苦的照顧和親戚朋友與教友們的關懷祝福下已漸漸成長，她深黑的頭髮、黑溜溜明亮的眼睛、紅潤的笑臉，天真活潑、健康的身體，更令人人見人愛。

二月二十四日(星期三)的傍晚六時半左右，我們接到一個壞消息，消息告訴我們外孫女善美已經離開了人間，真有如晴天霹靂，令我們感到非常的傷心和難過。

二月二十五日(星期四)上午十一時許，教會在八達嶺再也華人義山教會墳場為外孫女舉行土葬儀式。愛外孫女善美已入土為安。在這短短的56天的相聚裡，她的離去真是令我們難免有依依不捨之感！

善美已變成了小天使，她已和「主」在一起，我們不必為她太過傷心和難過，「主」會永遠、永遠的照顧她。

　　

勉勵女兒和女婿：

人死不能復生，太過傷心會傷害身體，無濟於事。你們還年青，還有孩子要照顧，在爸爸、媽媽、弟妹、親戚朋友、教友們的勸導、鼓勵和關懷下，你們應化悲傷為力量，為你們和孩子的將來，繼續努力的奮鬥下去。以期創造一個更美好的將來。

為愛外孫女善美逝世而寫之感言　

二００九年三月一日

I grieve because...

I miss her so much.

I love her so much.

Everyday, I ask God to tell her that I love her, and to give her a kiss for me.

It's the neverness that is so painful -

Never again to be here with us.
Never again to carry her.
Never again to hold her.
Never again to kiss her.
Never again to feed her.
Never again to see her smile.
Never again to hear her cry.
Never again to sing to her.
Never again to play with her.
Never again to see Jordan playing with her.
Never to see her first crawl.
Never to see her taking her first step to walk.
Never to hear her calling me, "Mummy".
Never to dress her up.
Never to tie her hair.
Never ...

Devotional Prayer on 24 Feb 2009

Suffering is a compulsory part of human existence. The difference for believers is that suffering need never be in vain.

Lord, as I consider what You do, I find myself feeling at times like the writer of Ecclesiastes: Who can straighten what You have made crooked? When times are good, I am to be happy. But when times are bad, consider: You have made the one as well as the other (Ecclesiastes 7:13-14).

According to Your Word, Lord there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2, 4).

Truly, You are the Creator and Sustainer of time. Nothing is “untimely” to You.


From Praying God’s Word – Day by Day
A Year of Devotional Prayer
By Beth Moore

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Tuesday, 24 February 2009 - It was Jemimah’s appointed time to depart.

God spared me

It could have happened at home but it didn't. God spared me.

Whenever friends asked about Jemimah, I would say:

• She is well
• She is fine
• She is an angel - just drink and sleep

She was a healthy and beautiful baby. She was a good baby.

What was the cause of her death? It's uncertain. According to the doctors, there were two possibilities - milk aspiration (drowned in her own milk) or S.I.D.S (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) / cot death. They did all they could to revive her that fateful day. They were just pumping out so much milk from her lungs. They resuscitated her for 25 minutes. Jemimah didn't respond at all. She was certified at 6:15 pm.

Perhaps it's best that we do not know the actual cause. It was God's time to take her HOME. There was nothing that we could do - absolutely nothing.

Jemimah arrived with a loud cry but she left us peacefully.

I still can't ...

I still can't believe that she's really gone but I have to believe.

I still can't let go but I have to let go.

I still can't accept it but I have to accept it.

When Seng Chor and I visited her grave last Saturday, 28 February 2009, I wished that someone would have heard her crying, and dug her out. Or, Seng Chor and I would hear her crying. We would dig her out and I could then feed her. I know that these thoughts are crazy. I just can't help myself from thinking about it. I know that she is not in the grave. What's inside is just her mortal body. She is with the Lord Jesus Christ. The angels are taking care of her.

I know that I have to move on. Healing is a process. Grieving is a process. It is natural to feel what I'm feeling. It may takes months or even years but God will heal. The pain is indescribable. There are still so many questions in my mind. There are regrets and guilt as well. Some are answered and addressed but I still look for assurance.

I'll be strong. Sometimes I wish that I'm not that strong. Perhaps I'm not. I'm weak. But God is strong. God's strength is in me to carry on.

I don't want to stop thinking about her. She will always be in our heart.

I am asking God for a vision/dream - to see my precious daughter Jemimah in Heaven, to hear her calling me "Mummy".