Actually, I have a list of disappointments and discouragement:
- Physically tired at the Church camp. Even felt frustrated.
- Didn’t get to eat strawberry ice cream in Cameron. Sad to see videos taken at the Strawberry Farm.
- Year 3 students did badly in my module.
- Poor attendance in the Dialogue session (students and KBU graduates) – first time organizing it for students.
- Seems to be just flowing to Parenting Discipleship Cell (PDC) and Ladies Discipleship Cell (LDC). Feels discouraged after PDC.
- Struggles with Jordan.
- Physically tired almost every day – lack of sleep.
- No second baby yet.
- (I’ll stop here. I think there is more).
I spent the whole afternoon alone with Jordan last Sunday. He didn’t want to sleep. He was not feeling well too – runny nose and blocked nose. I was exhausted because he slept late again the night before. Occasionally, I lied on the bed, almost falling asleep but I didn’t dare because I was afraid that he might hurt himself. I think I screamed at him once. I was so tired. Eventually, he did fall asleep – about 1 hour. Seng Chor came back after 6 pm. We were supposed to celebrate Seng Chor’s birthday together with Rachelle and the rest of the GG members. Sadly, I decided not to go – it was probably a decision made out of anger. I needed a break from both of them. I know that even if I go, I would not be able to enjoy myself. I would be more frustrated. True enough, Seng Chor said that Jordan was hyper active, couldn’t really sit still.
Alone, I watched my Hong Kong series. For dinner, I had an apple, pear and rice dumpling. I tried to sleep at 9:30 pm, but couldn’t. They came home around 10:30 pm. Surprisingly, Jordan was still wide awake – not ready to sleep yet. Poor him! He had difficulty sleeping because of his blocked nose. He woke up once or twice crying, and I had to pacify him.
Last night, Seng Chor and I had to take him out for a ride. It was almost 12 midnight. Seng Chor drove all the way down to KL. Eventually, he fell asleep. We probably reached home around 1 am. Seng Chor carried him from the car seat into his cot – first time sleeping in his cot after about 4 months! He has been sleeping in between us. What’s going to happen tonight? Is he going to sleep early/late? I really don’t know. Thinking about it is stressful.
I have been viewing God as a Problem Solver, and because problems were not solved in my own time, I got frustrated with God and blamed Him for the struggles that I go through – especially when taking care of Jordan. I need to turn my frustration into prayer. I need joy.
I wanted God to stop Jordan from crying immediately. I wanted God to heal Jordan immediately and help him to sleep well at night. God doesn’t work that way. Probably God wants me to show more love and patience towards Jordan. God wants to mold me in that area. This pruning is tough. The test seems to get harder each time.
I do miss him – I want to give him hugs and kisses. I want to play with him and teach him. He is still my precious and adorable son. I want to enjoy my time with him. I need to rebuke all evil thoughts that I have of Jordan. I feel like a terrible mother.
Lord, please help me.
Lord, put into my heart whatever is most pleasing to You.